Cathedral Peak, Santa Barbara

Nothing like a 6am start time, with 3+ hours of amazing views.

Samadhi

Lately, I have been doing anything & everything I can to keep my mind distracted... from attending church to running an extra 10 miles, just because. And proudly, this has forced me back into what will hopefully become a routine yoga practice. When I left NYC, besides leaving my running group "family", I also left a yoga practice that brought a whole new level of the city & the practice to my life.

And since being in Seattle, I had yet to find a replacement. Until now.

The beautiful thing about this particular studio, which is unlike anything I have ever experienced, was that at the beginning of the practice, we started out with song books. And spent the first 15 minutes chanting, singing, meditating our way inward.

Strangely enough, instead of relaxing me, I think the lack of practice in my life these last few months actually built up so much anxiety that I had to consciously focus on not letting the search for calm overwhelm me than calmingly enjoying my introduction back to yoga.

The practice lasted two hours... during that time, I experienced everything from my plantar fasciitis acting up to my hamstrings & hips refusing to move to my breath saving me when I almost collapsed in head stand. And what a joy it was to stand up & walk away feeling that I survived.

State of Mind: Working within my advantages....

From Murakami to Loss

I have always liked running, so it wasn't particularly difficult to make it a habit. All you need is a pair of running shoes and you can do it anywhere. It does not require anybody to do it with, and so I found the sport perfectly fits me as a person who tends to be independent and individualistic.
Haruki Murakami, author

Independent, check. Individualistic, check. I knew there was a reason why I loved Murakami so much, minus my jealousy of his global lifestyle of living in Japan-Cambridge-Hawaii, year-in & year-out.

This weekend was my first 20+ weekend this year & man-oh-man, was it good. In typical Washington-style, I ran primarily with all men, which isn't the hardest part of my life, if you know what I mean. From the streets of Mill Creek to the trails & waterfalls of Cougar Mountain, I felt an embarrassment of riches of sorts by being able to live near so many amazing running areas.

And the silent times allowed me to question my recent days & wipe away tears for the woman I never imagined losing. I guess every day leads to the next, which eventually leads to the last.

Strength in Rafa

Life is short...running makes it seem longer.
Baron Hansen

For me, that statement has never been more true. Watching someone I have loved my entire life become someone else, merely because of their own mortality, has given me a deeper sense to why running is so important.

When I was a teenager & first getting acquainted with running, I would spend some of my long runs dreadfully counting telephone poles. I needed something to focus on to get me through the miles, because they took forever. Seriously.

Now I dream of the moments of having time to breath, to think, to be alone in my own thoughts as the world sometimes feels like it is testing me to see how much I can bear. My single biggest daily challenge is to remember who I am & what I live for, those moments when I can get lost again.

But truthfully, I have no room for complaint. Because my days are, in large part, spent doing what I want to do. Planned around my very decisions. I need to remember these times because there will become a time when my choices, my decisions will not be nearly as much in my own control. So, every telephone pole I count now has a bit more meaning behind it.

Distance: With a new treadmill (think home gym circa 1983), plenty of easy miles
State of Mind: Pushing for more

Sweet & Sour

Moving from 2010 to 2011 is sweet & sour, all in one little bite. It's a relief to move beyond last year, but in so many ways I still don't feel ready. My indifference & inability to see clearly makes me feel less ready than ever to take the next step.

From a running perspective, it was the first year that I realized that my lifestyle may impact what I want for my future. The word I have trouble moving away from is "my", as it seems that what comes easy for others may not ever come easy for me. But as I toe the line of being a martyr, I couldn't imagine a better way to close the year than spending it with my family & realizing that my own faults, my own weaknesses...are truly not that overwhelming. And the next crossroad will become part of my past too, just like 2010.

Spending the last two weeks in a Mexican paradise taught me a lot about my goals for 2011. One, I love running. It's as simple as that. From beach runs to cobble stoned hills, I need to share my love with this sport as much as possible. But it's just not running that I adore, it's the rush of going within. From yoga to paddle boarding, I love the fearless, childlike manner that I need to somehow capture. There is nothing more enjoyable than being 100% committed to the moment. The moment when nothing else matters.

2010 didn't have nearly as much running as I wanted, but I plan to gently work on that in 2011. But I also plan on monopolizing as much time as possible to spend doing other activities, from swimming to hiking to meditation.

I recently read this quote that I just can't get out of my mind... "perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away". I think that will be my goal for this year!

Distance: Over canyons, under water, sinking into the sand...
State of Mind: Being happy for what I do have in this moment

2010

2010 has been a mystery to me. So many mistakes. Seriously. So many moments when I couldn't contain my emotions. Way too much second guessing. Newness beyond my belief. Just the thought of the year brings me to tears. Well, it's either that or the Bright Eyes that I can never seem to turn off as the night crawls on.

As I settle in my new neighborhood, my new life, I am full of discovery. From exploring the lakeside parks to being surrounded my middle aged men in my new club to running at the various outdoor areas just a few feet from my doorstep...I wonder how my fantasies, my inside dilemnas, my inperfectness continues to allow me to live beyond my wildest expectations.

Today was a typical day for me. Full of too many things to do, anxiety about the coming up week & a challenging run in the pouring down rain. To most, the hardest part of the day was the easiest for me. Composing myself while putting one foot in front of the other is the only way I know. And I am so thankful for it.

To Run

When planning my weekend long run, I began to question the need to go long at all, especially with no particular goal in mind. Why run long? Why do speed workouts? Frankly, why run at all. All these questions, this inner dialogue, began to make me think about my goals as a runner.

The conclusion I came to was quite obvious, actually. I don't run to race. I don't run to stay trim. I don't run to raise my heart rate. I run because I love it. I truly do. I love discovering a city through running, I love the simple chatter of other runners, I love feeling my body work hard, I love trying to keep myself in control.

So although I don't have a particular race in mind & although I don't feel in the best shape of my life, I am not going to simply let go of something that brings me so much joy. A joy that when I think about it actually is hard to contain.

So instead of staying out late, sleeping in, making brunch...today, like most Saturdays, I got up & ran a gorgeous run through dozens of neighborhoods in Seattle. I met up with my current club, the East Side Runners to tackle 14 miles. We played games, we absorbed the fall colors that are simply amazing to take in & we kept plugging along even when the hills became endless. Not because we love each other, not because we love Seattle, but because we share the love of the run.

Distance: From a weekly view, increasing more & more
State of Mind: I guess joy is my state of mind

Lessons Learned

I typically hate the saying “lessons learned”, something that marketing has made a part of my sometimes daily vernacular. But when it comes to running, I did have a few of those lessons this last weekend. Both very different, but both very much the same. The run on Saturday in South Kirkland w/ ESR’s was very Pacific NW-esq. Full of rain, leaves & grey grey skies. And although weather is no match for determination, my legs were dead. Not from overtraining, not from a long Friday run, not from poor habits…but from the lack of training finally catching up with me. It was a sour pill to swallow, but one I am going to have to getting used, I suppose. And although it did make me feel quite alone as the men I was running with laughed at my pace, Sunday’s race made it all better.

On Sunday, I ran in the UW Dawg Dash 5K with Jesi & my uncles family. I decided early on to take it easy & not caring about the pace paid off because it allowed me to enjoy each step, share the experience my younger, extremely ambitious cousins & walk away feeling fulfilled.

This weekend taught me a lot about my attitude towards my passion for running. Hopefully I can find a better balance as 2010 comes to a close.

Distance: Maybe 14 for the weekend
State of Mind: Mind over matter…

Power of Deduction

When it's hard, it's hard. I don't really no what else to say. Well, except...there is nothing like a speed workout to really put you in your place.

Tonight, at the ESR speed workout, we did 6x800's. I barely hung on for two, but kept at it for the remaining four while I dreamed of escaping to a place as beautiful as the sunset we were experiencing. Although my times were nothing be proud of, I was proud of myself for hanging on. After all, I am nothing but a glutton for punishment. Plus, the group I ran with tonight...mostly consisting of older men...made me realize that my youth really means nothing anymore.

On a lighter note, one of the best things about the speed workouts lately is the grandstand speakers that are turned on as the high school girls are playing their soccer games. For some ungodly reason, they really love love love Eminem. Which in all honesty, only helps my running. But if they are going to focus on that one artist, why not play Love the Way You Lie. Now that's a song. Take away the lyrics or Ri's outfit...I don't need any of that. It's just the pure passion & intensity of such a tragic love story that gets me. I miss that feeling of being so out-of-control that I once had. Sometimes memories of it are the only thing that bridge my day-to-day life together.

Distance: 6x800 with a half mile warmup & warmdown
State of Mind: My fitness is so transparent

To-Do Lists

Sleeping in. Me? Never. It's a rare thing to find me in bed past 6am any day of the week. Well, that is until recently. My new frame of mind feels so foreign to me. Taking care of myself more, spending less time writing "to-do" lists, running less, sleeping more.

So where did this all come from? Well, to be more honest & vulnerable than I usually feel comfortable being, I think I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. The idea of me being a relaxed, chill, free butterfly just wasn't true. Instead, I felt more like a stressed out ball of energy not completely knowing where the energy came from OR how to get rid of it. Instead of running it to the ground, my new approach is to try (try) to accept it & deal with it. To realize that each moment of each day doesn't have to be spent doing something, but rather maybe just maybe there are moments when there is nothing to be done.

Today, instead of going to the morning run with ESR, I ended up sleeping in & taking on the Paradise Valley trails with the hubs. I have to say, now don't be jealous, that I am loving the great outdoors of Seattle. Upon escaping to one of the hundreds of trails merely minutes away from where I live, I immediately feel my mind clear & focus like never before. What a truly amazing feeling.

Distance: 5-6 miles at Paradise Valley
State of Mind: Feeling more at peace.

Crushes

Something changed when I moved back to Seattle, I think it is what one calls maturing. No longer do I try to cast my spell out to a wide spectrum of crushes, I now only focus on selfish crushes. You know...the guy that can get you a discount on a new computer, the guy that can make you run faster, the guy that pays every moment of attention on you.

This new found freedom, if you will, has shown me how much time I have for other, maybe actually important, pursuits in my life. Like developing a deeper bond with my hubs, sleeping more & not being so self-concerned with my every need.

I don't think crushes will ever leave my life for good, but I am starting to enjoy the ones I have even more...since I only spend small, potent periods of time with them.

Tonight, was one of those potent times. My running crush may be too cute for me, but watching him pace tonight's workout was so inspiring. Each lap of the track, I was caught for a moment by his confidence & patient stride. I think I am starting to have a deeper understanding of that whole idea of quality over quantity.

Distance: 6-7 miles including 800 by 400 by 200 by 200 x 2
State of Mind: Seeing the future more clearly...

Organic Yogurt

During a trail run this morning one of my new running friends Mark, apparently not such an uncommon name, asked if I was the "organic yogurt" type. Hmm, strange question to be asked at 7am in the morning as my stomach churned the half of bottle of red wine I inhaled the night before. I asked him to define the question a bit more & he said that he wanted to know up front if I was like the majority of the runners he meets that is obsessed with being perfect. You know the type...consuming a balanced diet of vegetables, fruit, grains, never missing a mile in a workout schedule & double, triple checking the time to ensure everything is on schedule.

Honestly, I had no idea how to answer the question. Sure I like yogurt. I don't particularly care if it's organic, but I do enjoy eating it. Especially Fage, as I have learned is pronounced "fa-yeh". But who doesn't like yogurt? Who doesn't strive to take care of themselves? Who doesn't try to challenge the common, yet disturbing, phrase "everything happens for a reason".

It is pretty obvious what Mark was asking. I didn't spend more than moment thinking about it after I huffed & puffed my way through a long trail run with the rest of the group...but it has haunted me the rest of the day.

State of Mind: Everything is changing around me, I want to change to...
Distance: Today, 10 hard trail miles

Week 8: A Different Me

This week proved challenging for the runner in me. I am not sure what it is, but I feel different. Not bad different, just different. Maybe the chiller side of me is coming out, or maybe I am just coming down with a cold...but the fierce runner in me was non-existent this week.

On a lighter note, for the first time this entire summer, I felt somewhat at home in Seattle. The challenges didn't seem so daunting, the beauty seemed to stand out more brilliantly & the city seemed to accept me. Part of the beauty of discovering a new city is having the hubs by my side. Ever since we left the great NYC, we have spent so much more time together. And I can honestly say I don't hate the guy, I actually think he makes me a better person when all is said & done. The commitment phobe in me is shaking a bit, but I truly mean it.

But back to running, the little there is to report:

Wednesday: Showed up just on time to take on the weekly ESR speed workout, consisting of 200/200/200/800 x 3. I excelled at the fast pace through the whole workout, minus the last 400 where I once again blew up. But it was more mental than anything, my legs could take it...but my mind was elsewhere. Proud to say that I was running the 200's at 43 sec pace.

Saturday: Re-ran my first workout w/ ESR in Mercer Island. This time with one of my running crushes, R, who kept me on my feet the entire time as we shared a mutual silence in the woods. Nicely enough we picked up the pace the last 3 miles & I was able to keep up with him for all but the last quarter mile hill. When we finished, the rest of the group who had run shorter looked at the two of us like we were insane as we sprinted to the end of a long, hilly 10 miler.

Sunday: Visiting my hometown, the hubs & I hiked/ran Mt. Peak. A challenging course, yes, but not a runners run.

Distance: Maybe close to 20, eek
State of Mind: We'll see what next week holds...

Weeks 6 & 7: A Very Unrefined Balancing Act

It's safe to say that these last two weeks have been a bit of a balancing act for me. For a person that craves structure, routine, repetition...it is never easy to deal with the roller coaster of decision, pressure, emotion that sometimes enters ones life. But no matter how brittle I may appear, I am determined to stay strong & focus on my big picture goals. And although I may not be the most graceful person I know (quite possibly the least graceful), I do believe I have the ability to control my own destiny. And what better grounds that belief than running. Running shows me that I can push through, that I can go on, that I do have a something inside of me that is willing to take on any battle. And probably most of all, that no matter how hard I think I need to become to survive, it is much more about letting go, opening up, staying true to oneself that matters most of all.

Week 6

Monday: Did an easy 4 mile loop around Woodinville, Monday's are becoming a challenge for me as I just don't feel the motivation that I once did.

Wednesday: 6x1000's w/ ESR, it is amazing how the first 1000 felt like a breeze yet the last repeat felt like I was sprinting to save my life. Either way, it doesn't matter as I held the same exact time (1:42 a lap) for all 6, never losing control. Much thanks to my new gf A.

Thursday: Did an easy, emotional yet joyful, 6 miles with J.

Saturday: Ran Medina. Which reminded me so much of my old days in the beach front town of Montecito...rich, clean, beautiful. Got to the meet up early to do a 6.4 mile loop on my own & met up w/ ESR for another 6.4 mile loop. Felt kind of badass. 13 miles complete.

Distance: 29 miles, uck, need more
State of Mind: The beauty of Seattle is so amazing to discover...

Week 7

Monday: Spending a long weekend in my family's lakeside cabin near Coeur D'Alene, Idaho, the hubs, my uncle D & I took on the 8 miles of gradual yet painful hills surrounding the lake. The pace was hard but it didn't even matter as we were surrounded by the majestic of such a quiet, beautiful area.

Wednesday: Same workout as last week, except should have been easier. 5x1000's w/ ESR. Problem was my lack of miles showed. Held strong times until the 5th where I once again blew up. Not exactly what I was expecting.

Saturday: Recovering from being sick, I tried to pretend that I felt okay & joined ESR in Kirkland for a 10 miler. Except about 4 miles in I realized that my 8:30 pace should feel like the 5:30 pace it did & cut it short. Which, for once, was a very smart move on my part.

Sunday: Joined J & the hubs for an easy 8 miler around Seattle. Felt much better but craved hard miles.

Distance: 28 miles, more of the same
State of Mind: Wanting more (hmm, isn't that quite the common theme)

Week 5: Discovering Seattle

Well, this week I knew I wanted to put some miles in...and that I did. Although not all the miles came as easily as I wanted them too, I have to say that if there is one common thread this week it is how running helps me find lightness when I am left in the dark. Something I am eternally grateful for.

Monday: Monday was hard. Not sure if it was just from being tired from work, from walking the 3 miles to/from the bus or from stair climbing at work. My body just fought a workout. So I tried to fake it by joining the hubs for INSANITY again, which failed after about 15 minutes. I ended up doing a mile with my niece (well, his niece) at the local track & enjoyed kidding around instead of sweating it out.

Tuesday: Determined to run hard, I tried a new route that is going to become a regular for me. See the thing is, where we are staying right now, no matter how far N-E-S-W I go, I can't get away from the fact that we live on top of a very big hill. Very big. But I did find a way that turns my usual Red Hook Brewery run into a loop, making it a 7.3 mile run, and ending with what seems to be the least scary hill so far.

Wednesday: From an amateur running front, I couldn't ask for me. Here I am running alongside some amazingly fast athletes, I mean the type of women that are running 17:30 5K's. Tonight was a typical track workout for me, totally in control the whole time BUT not able to push it hard in the end like the more gifted people around me. Still, proud of what I was able to do, doing 8x400's @ 1:32 pace with a mile warmup/cooldown to start & finish off the workout. For the record, when I say alongside, I mean within 400 meters.

Saturday: Met up with an early morning group of ESR's to do my longest run in Seattle so far. The group I met up with are known as the "long runners" of the club, meeting earlier than everyoe else, but there pace didn't quite vibe with me as much as I would have liked. Nonetheless, having a handful of runners to lead you around the many, many bridges & waterfront neighborhoods of Seattle was priceless. We ended up doing about 14.4 miles.

Sunday: Inspired by the route yesterday, J & I ran around Lake Union. More industrial & city running than lakeside viewing, but definitely very cool. Finishing up the week with 6 hot hot hot miles.

Distance: About 33 miles this week
State of Mind: Beating up my body never felt so good.

Week 4: Feeling Oh-So-Easy

A few weeks back, I started an 11 week training program getting me to the Bellingham Bay Half Marathon on September 26th. This week, technically week 4 of my training, provided some great insights. Here is how the week went:

Monday: Joined the hubs for his new workout routine called INSANITY, which it pretty much was. It was fun to do something together, but it became obvious later in the week that our goals are so very different (his is to have a six pack for our holiday vacay to Sayulita). So although I enjoyed our time together, I realized that my body needs miles, straight up miles. Not cross training.

Tuesday: Mentally & physically tough 6 miles out & back to Red Hook. My legs were especially tired after contuining my daily 21 flight stair climb, which I may need to rethink.

Wednesday: Took on another grueling track workout, but wasn't able to complete it. Our intended workout was a 3 mile tempo followed by a slightly faster mile. After keeping the pace for the first 2 miles of the tempo, I mentally fell apart. Stopped believing in myself. Gave up. So I dropped off the pack & ended up running the final mile with one of my new gf's A. It is so strange how much confidence plays a role in running.

Friday: Met up with J after a long week at work to put in an easy 8 miles. It was so fun to explore the city with her, to chat & enjoy each others company. I would rather run with her any day than do the typical social gatherings that have come to define us.

Sunday: Raced in the Redmond Town Center 5k. This is a fast race. Quite small, very flat & full of amazing talent (the leader finished in 15:12). Even though I was majorly intimidated...I really loved the race. The faster runners pushed me & the course was mix between a suburban maze & a rich utopia. And although I wasn't super fast, I was proud of my control & 22:09 finish time. I know the time is nothing special, but for some reason I don't care all that much. Maybe I have lost some of my competitive spirit...

Distance: 23 miles
State of Mind: Time to up the miles, although I have to say this was a perfectly enjoyable week of running. My body feels great, but my mind is begging to release the anxiety of my life on the road. Something I need more than physical happiness.

What a fun-filled weekend! There is part of me that is so very much enjoying the various activities, friends, environments that I am throwing myself into, but another big part that miss the regular, the routine, the Brooklyn. I guess it comes with the territory of taking the risks I have taken, but it is one hard pill to swallow sometimes.

But this weekend I had the pleasure of running doing two fantastic runs. The first was Saturday evening when my cousin, the sixth child & I ran the Seafair Torchlight 8k. Both of them are fairly new to running, as my cousin is just on his second year in x-c & my little brother only runs when I beg him to join me. But I somehow convinced both of them to head into Seattle on a beautiful Saturday evening to enjoy in the fun of such a well known Seattle celebration.


The beautiful thing about this particular race is the spirit surrounding it. It is the precursor to a huge parade (the route we run along), it is filled with hundreds of people dressed in pirate outfits & it is on a spectacular course. And although I struggled a bit with my pace in the middle, I finished strong (early to mid 7 minute pace) & am please to say both my teenage "dates" had a wonderful time.

Today, I met up with RLS, the person who most say molded me into the unique person I am today. Since she is too training for the B'ham half, we did a 4-5 miler with her brothers wife around her former neighborhood. I will never get over the feeling I have being with RLS, it is as close to "home" as I have ever found.

Later on in the day, the sixth & I played a healthy set of tennis...something we both are growing to enjoy more & more.

State of Mind: Desperately needing more miles, but seriously fulfilled with my amazing adventures.

So excited to partake in another brutally beautiful speed workout with ESR. Got to the track early, which was much needed, as my legs were solidly sore from my new stair workout at the agency. The pain from the stairs is more of newness, not intensity. So I don’t worry too much.

After a long warmup, we started our workout, which was 4x1200’s. I, with my usual confidence, thought I would stick with my group & try to push the last one with the faster group ahead of us. But man oh man, was I wrong. After barely holding in there on the first interval, I knew I was in trouble. The next three were a constant, each 200, battle to make the 49 second split time, which I fell further & further from as I tried to just finish the workout. Luckily enough, my group, made up of my new friend A & a few non-descript guys, made me focus on the positive instead of getting down on myself as everyone seemed to struggle tonight. And, the eye candy on the track didn’t hurt too much either, as the top ESR men were in full force with glistening bodies & amazing turnover as they completed the workout. Although my crush was at the back of the pack, I didn’t question his ability to hold on. Only wish I could say the same for myself.

Oh, and a blog update! After thinking it through a bit & realizing that I want to truly enjoy contributing my thoughts online, I am going to start posting less frequent, hopefully more cohesive & thoughtful entries. Being in the Pacific NW has made me see the beauty in the great outdoors in a way that I missed to very much & I want to make sure to spend as much time as I can (which is limited already in my choice of career) outdoors.

Distance: 1 mile warmup, 4x1200’s (between 4:56 & 5:09), 1 mile warmdown
State of Mind: Feeling fit but a bit depleted

After arriving home later than I wanted, I turned off my mind & quickly changed into my running clothes to hit the trails. Holding an easy pace, I simply just took in all the nature around me. Not thinking an ounce more than I needed. In a way, today's run was hard for me. I kind of just let myself be...no expectations. I didn't feel like me, but I did feel like I gave everything I had to offer.

Distance: 6 miles
State of Mind: Half marathon training is starting to take its toll (which is a good thing).